People love to say that history repeats itself. I don’t love to say it, but I’m living proof. (In about 3 minutes, you’ll find out why I’ve lately grown to hate the word “proof”‘s guts.) I went through my own infertility adventure a while ago. Suddenly I find myself going through it again… without really going through it.
“If Walmart had a fertility clinic” I admit. There are several disturbing elements in that title. I will calm some of your fears right here by saying this post won’t have much to do with the ongoing fashion show at Walmart. You don’t need me. You have your own eyes and YouTube for that. Although, I do think the mentality when we’re getting dressed to go to a fertility clinic is similar as to when we’re going to Walmart:
“Who cares what I wear to Walmart? At least half of the shoppers will look worse.”
“Who cares what I wear to the fertility clinic? Ten minutes into the visit, I’ll be in a backless couture hospital gown with my ass hanging out.”
So, dressing for infertility or Walmart success notwithstanding– Walmart has eye centers. So why not fertility centers? The best part would be that they could run them just like they run their seasonal items. In and out. No delays. Fast and furious. Bathing suits are gone in June. School supplies are done in July and on to the Halloween candy because you know everyone wants to get a jump on their Halloween candy buying. I’m sure that August bag of candy is just laying around the house unopened waiting for October. (I wonder how many people actually finish the candy on the way home and turn around and head back to the store. I mean, it’s August. You can’t take a chance on it melting in the trunk.)
Well, why not a fertility clinic at Walmart? In and out. No delays. Fast and furious. No waiting ten days for your first consultation. No waiting until next month to try the next procedure. No two week wait to find out if you’re pregnant. Here’s the schedule at Walmart’s Minute Fertility Clinic:
Monday 8am: First and only appointment. You say “hi” to Dr. Total Stranger and tell her everything you can think of about your menstrual cycle and your sex life, editing out only the parts about the whipped cream and the crack in the windshield. While you’re chatting, a nurse takes blood out of your arm and sperm out of your spouse and then tosses away her latex gloves and goes to lunch. You then proceed onto the examination table behind the curtain. The doctor directs you to open up and say “aaah”. You ask how everything looks. You probe her mind. She probes everything on that diagram in sixth grade Health class. You swallow a handful of fertility drugs that your spouse picked up at the pharmacy while you’re on the table as the doctor stares at your ovaries to see if the pills have taken effect. She decides you need IUI. She uses something from Housewares to shoot your spouse’s sperm up north. You leave the Minute Fertility Clinic, go to Subway next door and have a sandwich then return to the clinic. If you’re still not pregnant, the doctor does an egg retrieval, sprinkles in some of the spouse’s sperm for IVF and then sends the combo into your uterus. Now is the hard part: The 2hw: The two hour wait. You get a flu shot. You go into the pharmacy area, kick off your shoes and stand on Dr. Scholl’s machine. You peruse the trial size aisle. You could take your blood pressure if Walmart hadn’t replaced the machine with a garbage can last year. (A simple matter of priorities.) You buy some non-perishable comfort food and return to the clinic. Success! You’re pregnant! You’ll return next week to buy maternity clothes, pick up your “It’s a boy/girl!” cake at the bakery, and stop in at the Walmart Ob/Gyn to deliver the baby on your way out.
Hey…Thanks so much for stopping by! I hope you had a few laughs while you were here. If you’d like more laughs at infertility’s expense, please sign on to my newsletter http://laughingisconceivable.com (top) and check out my little book: Laughing IS Conceivable: One Woman’s Extremely Funny Peek into the Extremely Unfunny World of Infertility. (It’s been downloaded by 1000s & is recommended by top fertility professionals around the U.S.) Available on all Amazons, Nook, & Kobo & in Spanish as La Risa ES Concebible. https://www.amazon.com//dp/B007G9X19A/
Here we are in the throes of the Halloween season. (Of course if you consult your local supermart, the Halloween season started August 29th.)
So now everyone gather in a circle, turn off the lights, get those smoke machines going, and light those flashlights under those chins… And let the infertility horror stories begin. (Not those kind of infertility horror stories, I promise. Who needs more of that?)
Read on… if you daaaaare.
Every year at this time, it is a tradition to re-post this. 50% nostalgic tradition. 50% lazy tradition. But a tradition nonetheless. Hope you enjoy it! xo
I’ve never hidden the fact that I love the autumn and every corny thing associated with it: Football (not the least bit corny), Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade (cool with many corny parts), fall foliage.
So in the past, I’ve written about going through infertility later in life (“The Autumn of My Fertility”) and spooky infertility stories for Halloween.
I can’t see what could possibly be left to write about that’s autumn-related except, of course the obvious: Charlie Brown. Continue reading
Can you believe it’s Infertility State Fair time again already?! Let’s go everybody!
My husband and I have been going for the past three years. Our admission ticket is $15,000, and that’s because we bought it online in advance. Continue reading
Cuando recomiendo a personas que sufren de infertilidad que se unan a los grupos de apoyo para la infertilidad en línea, a veces me dicen: “Por que querrías contar las cosas más personales de tu infertilidad a extraños?” Eso es. Eso es precisamente porque quieres participar en estos grupos en línea: Porque todo el mundo es un extraño.
Infertility: When a roll in the hay becomes a hayride. I hope you’re not nearly as sick of my autumn analogies yet as I am. But I can’t seem to stop myself. I’ll admit I get carried away for some reason at this time of year. I get sucked into every delicious piece of snacky crap on the shelf just because it´s added “pumpkin spice” or “spooky” to its normal name. When most people are overcome by addiction, they see red. I see orange. I’m hoping I’ll be able to squelch my latest urge: To trick-or-treat this year dressed as Dorothy. Nobody wants to see a woman my age in gingham unless she’s swinging her partner round and round in a barn. Speaking of hay… and infertility… Continue reading
Corn mazes: They’re one of my favorite parts of Fall. Even though most of them feel a tad gyppy rip-offish and my husband Lloyd and I are notoriously horrible at them. It’s our annual tradition. The sweet smell of corn. The sweet sound of wives yelling at the back of their husbands’ heads: “Will you wave the damn flag already and get us out of here?!” Every year we go to the same corn maze. It’s carved out the same way. We get lost in all the same places. Last year, there had been a lot of storms. The maze was so depleted, I was towering over the stalks. And as you can imagine, at 5’2 1/4″, I don’t get that many towering opportunities. Regardless, it still took us a good hour and a half to navigate our way out. Sure, we could see the exit clearly. We just couldn’t figure out how to get there without intervention- divine or otherwise… Hm… Sounds familiar… Continue reading
When we first started taking the kids for haircuts, it was a harrowing experience. We specifically picked a salon that had videos for them to watch and fun chairs like horseys and police cars for them to sit in during the deed. We traveled miles over mountains and prairies to get to this salon that catered to little kids. And the way it turned out, at least one of those kids owes me some gas money. Continue reading
Hurricanes & IVF: The similarities are endless. It looks like Hurricanes Harvey, Irma, Jose, Katia… the whole gang will mercifully spare our area. Last year, we weren’t quite as lucky with good ol’ Matthew, the bastard. I dedicate this post from last October to those caught in the devastation of these hurricanes and / or the horrors of September 11, 2001… and as always… the suckiness of infertility.
Whoever came up with the idea of building houses in North Carolina that run solely on electrical power must have been out of their minds…. So here I am in the wake of Hurricane Matthew, sitting in my dark bedroom for the second day, staring at my TV, not watching my football game that, according to my blank clock on the cable box, started without me, waiting for a team of strangers lurking somewhere out there in the night to flip a switch, duck tape a wire hanger to a post or super glue something so I could get on with my life.
What if what they’re doing doesn’t work and they have to start all over again? What if the person working on my case, isn’t the right one for my situation and doesn’t know what they’re doing? What if what they think is the problem turns out not to be the problem at all? What if this goes on for a really long time? What if everyone else around me has their situation resolved and I’m the only one left? Am I supposed to go on with my life as usual as though everything was normal? How can I still go to work, get along with my husband, deal with my friends, deal with my family (who are a trying group to begin with), have fun, laugh like nothing’s wrong… when I’m so emotionally and physically tired and it feels like my whole life is turned upside down?
Waaaaait a minute. This feels eerily familiar.
Didn’t I feel just like this while I was going through infertility? Hurricane IVF. I remember it well. Continue reading