Most people know I’m a sports nut. So even though my hockey team is in the play-offs and my baseball team has started off well and the tennis Grand Slam events are on the horizon, there’s no Olympics this summer and so I’m not completely satisfied. So I’ve created the only Olympics I’m qualified to create: The Infertility Olympics. In fact, I didn’t really have to create anything. Anyone who’s going through infertility is already playing them whether they know it or not. No need to register. You’re already signed up.
The Infertility Olympics is not quite the same as the regular Olympics or the Paralympics or the Special Olympics.
For one thing, every two or four years really wouldn’t cut it for us. Our Olympics starts over every 28 days.
If you’re new to the games, here are just a few of the events you can uh…for lack of a better term… look forward to:
The Infertility Olympics: Event #1
Choosing a Host City Javelin Throw
Unlike all of the other Olympics mentioned above, The Infertility Olympics takes place in a thousand cities at once: It could be the location closest to your home or anywhere in the world where the treatments are cheapest at the moment: If it’s Rio, it’s Rio. If it’s Akron, it’s Akron. Or you could just throw the javelin into the map on the wall and see where it lands.
The Infertility Olympics: Event #2
The Re-dress Relay
Who can get to their doctor’s appointment, get their blood taken and their uterine lining checked, get dressed and back to work the fastest…with none of their clothes inside out when they arrive?
The Infertility Olympics: Event #3
The Financial Boxing Match
Infertile Woman vs Her Insurance Company
This event is not for the faint of heart. The insurance company is fast on its feet. It’s got all the right moves. It keeps ahead of the woman with its fancy footwork and sneaks up on her with its one-two punch: 1) We don’t cover it… But don’t let that delay your attempts to start a family, because 2) We have no intention of EVER covering it.
It looks like it’s going to be a knockout for the insurance company, but down on the mat, emotionally beaten to a pulp, never underestimate the power (not to mention insanity) of an infertile woman. This is no run-of-the-mill angry, frustrated, stressed-out broad. There’s adrenaline and a half-dozen other mood-altering hormones racin’ through them there veins.
The Infertility Olympics: Event #4
He wants to because he wants to. She sees no point because it’s not the right week. The doctor is the team coach. She tells the couple when they should and when they shouldn’t. The wife listens intently, grabs a calendar in her left hand, a red pen in her right. Holding the cap between her teeth, she works up a sweat crossing out, crossing out, crossing out, while her partner/spouse/husband stands idly by, watching his opportunities slip away one by one, nothing but cold showers in his future, and tells the doctor, under his breath, (or not) to mind her own damn business.
The couple who wins this event is the first one that actually has sex without at least one of them being pissed…or drunk…or pissed drunk.
A few other details which make the Infertility Olympics unlike the regular Olympics:
1) There will be no drug testing. What would be the point? Everyone would come up positive for everything.
2) Some events will go on for days, maybe even weeks. You’ll think you’re done with an event and then get called back to the starting line to do it all over again.
3) You’ll have to wait two weeks to find out who won. Some months everybody will win. Some months nobody will win.
4) At the end of the games, everyone gets a gold medal. Damn…We all deserve a gold medal. In fact, what do you say we all get a gold medal after each event— and then another box-full at the end?
(Thanks a lot for stopping by! This infertility crap is a trying time in the life of everybody who goes through it. Hopefully this humor blog makes you feel just a little bit better about your trying time. If you’d like more laughs at infertility’s expense, please consider my own personal infertility story in my little eBook: It has been downloaded by thousands of infertility patients, their partners, family, friends & medical professionals. In the the first pages, there are reviews from several top infertility experts around the US.)
Laughing IS Conceivable: One Woman’s Extremely Funny Peek into the Extremely Unfunny World of Infertility is available on Amazon (also Kobo & Nook): https://www.amazon.com//dp/B007G9X19A/