The first thing I thought when I heard about The Duggars: 19 and Counting when it premiered is “Have we even had sex 19 times? Maybe we’re not infertile. Maybe we’re just lazy.”
Even though I did my infertility treatments- IUI, IVF, all of that a while ago, I still feel very much a part of that community. So while this blog is to make general people generally laugh… I’ve always been especially interested in amusing those dealing with infertility. So when I think of the Duggars and their 19 kids, I just feel like they’re rubbing my face in it. It would have been bad enough if they’d had 4 kids. I’d still have been saying: “This sucks. They have 4 kids, and we can’t even have 1.” But this is what they call in football “piling on”. When the game is such a blow-out your team couldn’t possible win unless there was 2 years left on the clock and yet the opponent keeps scoring over and over just to mock you and underscore how much your team is full of losers and you’re a loser for wearing their colors. I feel mocked by the Duggars. I think if someone has 5 or 6 kids I’m annoyed. But somewhere around child 14 or 15, I start taking it personally.
One thing that seems to be vital in the Duggar household is to instill their teachings and rules in their kids very early. Every child from the very beginning gets told the same things, taught the same way, knows what’s expected of them. Modest dress, no frontal hugs because that’s where all the squeezable goodies grow, all dates are chaperoned, and scripture, scripture, scripture. Their kids are living in their house and following their rules after they legally have to. Could you imagine waiting until a kid was 16 and telling them: “Okay, so now that you’re starting to date, this is how it’s going to be: There will be no hand-holding until you’re engaged.” That would have been a tough road for me. I got engaged at 39.
What if you wait that long only to find out he’s a lousy hand-holder? He’s no good in the glove. What if you like to have your fingers interlocked and he likes to engulf your entire hand like you’re a 3 year old? Or his hands are too meaty, or clammy, or bony? Or he grips like a vice or a wet tissue? You’re already engaged and you just found out you’re not compatible. I dated one guy who held my hand— the only way I’ve ever been able to describe it… like he was carrying a baggie that he’d just filled up from a walk with his dog. I couldn’t possibly spend my life with a man who made me feel like I was always on the wrong end of a pooper scooper.
Sending along a chaperone probably isn’t such a bad idea. It just depends whom you send to chaperone. Apparently it’s usually a younger sibling. The Duggars don’t just send them along on the date, the sibling is strategically inserted between the happy couple for the entire date. All I can say is, if I had to continuously chaperone my older sisters’ dates, I’d be one rich 12 year old.
I fear a little bit for the Duggars. I don’t like their odds. There are 19 kids. So far, so good it seems. But what are the chances nothing will ever go wrong with any of them? Not one of them is going to go awry? What are the chances at least one of them won’t grow up to be some sort of anarchist? Somebody is bound to be gay or a democrat, or pro-choice, or Goth, or use birth control, or show side-boob or live in NYC or touch themselves inappropriately, or spend Sunday mornings sobering up, or move to Colorado for all the wrong reasons, or become an agnostic, or keep up with the Kardashians, or not get married, or marry a Hindu, or twerk, or not want any kids, or feel-up their fiancé or watch Family Guy… I just don’t like their odds at all.