When We Lose Someone…Anyone…, ALL Memories are Good Memories

When someone dies, most of us have an array of emotions. If we knew them well or hardly at all, we still have an array of emotions. Sometimes we simply feel sorry for them and their family. Sometimes we don’t feel anything and feel guilty about that. Memories can really help us sort it all out and heal… Any and all memories.  

Years ago, I chatted with a woman in an online writing group who asked me to join her at a writer’s conference in Ohio. (You’re right. I left my infant triplets and ran off to Dayton to spend the night in a hotel with a strange woman I met online. I had triplet hormone brain but how did my husband not stop me??!! Okay, he too was operating on 10 hours of sleep a week back then.)  

Well, it all worked out great. That was the only time I ever saw this woman in person. We mainly just followed each other on Facebook after that.  A year and a half ago, she had some major heart trouble and died. I felt bad but besides remembering she was a nice person and a great writer… Then I really thought about it. I knew more about her than I thought I knew: Her sister’s name was Lori, spelled just like I spell it. She had given me a signed copy of her book. Catholic school had a huge impact on her life. And… she taught me… literally… the meaning of “Paying it forward”.  Wow.

Take Away Task: Do some brain-racking:  Think about anything and everything you can remember about the person you’ve lost and any interactions at all you’ve ever had with them. Get specific. Get personal. Not just: “Oh they were nice. They’ll be missed.” How about that time you looked up and waved to them across the parking lot and almost walked into a parked car? Or the time you saw them in Food Lion in the bread aisle? Or those green pants they always wore? Or maybe they were the one who always asked the same questions over and over at every meeting when everyone else wanted to get up and leave already?

When someone dies, we tend to search for answers with our emotions: “Why did this happen?” “Why am I so depressed? Confused? Emotionless?” Brain-racking for memories helps us search for answers in a more tangible, focused, healing way… and almost always makes us smile.